Keep Third Party Away from Your Marriage

I’m sure you’ve come across several social media accounts where people anonymously ask for other people’s opinions about issues going on in their marriages or relationships. 

I know they can get sound advice from others via these platforms. But taking your marriage to the public can be more dangerous than it can be helpful. It is only opening the door to third party interference in your marriage. I mean, baring the intricacies of your marriage to total strangers? That’s a no-no and a sign that people do not regard marriage as the unique, sacred covenant it really is.

Funny enough, I’ve found that some of these issues people bring to public attention can quickly be resolved if couples do the work required of them during courtship and even in marriage.

What about couple goals, a.k.a. trying to replicate another couple’s way of doing marriage? Let’s not even go there!

Let me share my experience with a third party. When I was courting my husband (a few months before our wedding), someone told him something and asked that he tell no one. After their conversation, I casually asked my husband (fiancee at the time) what the person had discussed with him. He didn’t say a thing to me.

My husband and I started practicing 100% openness right from the point we agreed to be in each other’s lives – we told each other everything. In fact, we’ve had access to each other’s passwords from the onset.

So you can imagine how disconcerted I was when my fiancee told me he couldn’t divulge the details of their conversation to me because that person had requested he tell no one. I tried to convince him I was not among ‘no one’ because we would soon be one. But my man didn’t want to break his oath of confidentiality🙄

So, we decided to lay the matter before someone we respect. To my dismay, we were told that it was okay if my husband kept somethings from me, especially when someone else told my husband not to tell me. He even exemplified this with his marriage. He pointed out that he and his wife do not always disclose things other people told them to each other, and it was not a problem. So, we should do the same.

Please note that my husband and I respect and honor this person very much, even up to this point. But that counsel did not sit well with us. He has a very different personality from my husband’s, and his wife and I are so unalike that we have no single thing in common. And given that this subject was already causing hiccups in our relationship, it was evident that counsel would only breed disaster in our marriage if we followed it. Yes, this was the eye-opener; we couldn’t carry another couple’s way of doing things into our marriage.

Consequently, we both realized in more depth than letters can describe that every marriage is unique. We decided then and there that we would put in the work to understand each other and trust the Holy Spirit to help us navigate this thing called marriage.

The Beauty is in the Uniqueness

Absolutely. There are set doctrines in the Christian faith that guide how marriage should be done. However, every couple is different when it comes to tiny details, and we must purpose in our hearts to consider our partner’s uniqueness while dealing with them. This is the same reason I try very hard not to give the happenings in my marriage as instances whenever I counsel people on relationship or marriage.

Ps: that emphasis is because it’s tough to keep shut when you are married to a man after God’s heart😍. You can’t hide it; I promise.

Definition of Third Party

In essence, you and your partner are different (individually and as a couple) from every other couple out there. So, third parties should be limited (if not completely eliminated) from your marriage. As a Christian, your marriage is a covenant between you, your spouse, and God. So, any other entity outside you, your spouse, and God is a third party. 

How to Limit Third-Party Interference In Your Marriage to Enjoy Its Uniqueness

Have a Relationship with God

It is one thing to have the Christian tag, but it is an entirely different thing to have an active relationship with God.

When you cultivate and nurture a relationship with God, you’ll get to know yourself as God knows you. This will, in turn, help you understand the intricacies that should exist (or not exist) in your marriage so you won’t go about trying to copy other people’s marriages or seeking validation from people who have no business in your union.

Now, this goes both ways.

While you nurture your relationship with God, ensure you marry someone who has a relationship with and truly fears God (not merely a worker in church). So that in addition to their knowing themselves and curtailing excesses, they will always treat you and the marriage from the estimation God gives them – a.k.a. the best! 

Be Led by the Spirit

If God is the third Man in your marriage covenant and the One who invented the concept of marriage, wouldn’t it be best to have His Spirit lead you on your marital journey?

For what man knoweth the things of a man, save the Spirit of man which is in him? Even so, the things of God knoweth no man, but the Spirit of God.

1 Corinthians 2:11 KJV

If you and your spouse are continually led by God’s Spirit, you will never have reasons to seek third-party opinions in your marriage – NEVER! That sweet Spirit will consistently lead you into doing the things that will make your marriage flourish.

Court Rightly

You will not know everything about your spouse during courtship. But you cannot afford not to court correctly if you do not want to have third party interference in your marriage.

Permit me to say courtship is not the time to explore your sexual compatibility (this knowledge will be irrelevant if you court God’s way). It is also not the time to go out to have a million pictures to upload on the internet. You can enjoy the adventures if you like. But I bet you’d want to use that period to:

• study each other,
• know your individual tendencies,
• ask the right questions,
• know each other’s families and friends,
• understand each other’s life purposes and future ambitions,
• decide what you want or do not want in your marriage,
• learn to present yourselves before God,
• and also build solid foundations for your marriage.

Remember the first and second points above? Good.

Courtship is the time to know how Spirit-led your spouse-to-be is and if they fear God. It is also the time to foster your individual and collective relationship with God to set the tone for a godly marriage.

Practice 100% Transparency

Trust me, a large chunk of the reason people take their marriages to a third party is because they have failed to stay open to the one they married.

You may disagree, but I believe in (and practice) 100% transparency in marriage. This way, you can even sense and dissolve a misunderstanding while it’s still brewing. And because you know all there is to know about each other, you’ll trust your partner (and God’s work in them) enough to resist the temptation to report them or bring third-party opinions into your home.

Can I be honest?

When people take their marriages to third parties to seek advice, what they end up doing is to project their fears to their listeners. They fear their spouse’s actions may eventually lead to something more serious (which is almost always an assumption). The devil can anchor those fears through third-party opinion to bring them to pass. Whereas, everything could easily get resolved in seconds if they simply opened up to their spouse.

Learn the Art of Deep Communication 

When I mean deep communication, I am not talking about discussing people or random things for hours. Deep communication with your spouse involves reaching into their soul and extracting their questions, answers, and yearnings. Sometimes, words cannot do enough justice to this kind of communication, but let’s not go too far.

When you know how to reach your spouse’s soul, you will wrap yourself around their uniqueness and love them as they should be loved. Trust me, you will not need third party for anything. And even when things aren’t going too smoothly, you both can easily extract from your deepest to solve the problem.

Be Teachable

You do not know everything, and you will not always be right.

I said that.

If you will enjoy the uniqueness of your marriage with no third-party interference, have a growth mindset, be teachable, and always be ready to learn, relearn, and unlearn. Be prepared to adopt new ways of thinking from your spouse. Be prepared to view things from their lens and perspective. Be prepared to forgive more than you deem necessary. And be prepared to use every misunderstanding as a tool to better understand your spouse – instead of running out to report to your pastor or mentor.

Pray About Everything

I left the best for last🤤. Without prayer, everything we have said would be as challenging as swimming against the tide or climbing a steep mountain. So, pray about everything – even when you’ve put in the work.

Whenever you have a misunderstanding with your spouse, let your first response be prayer and not talking to a third party about it. If your spouse is truly a child of God (remember our first point?), trust God to shed light in their hearts (and yours too😁).

Disclaimer: this post is not against seeking godly counsel. It’s okay to seek the opinion of godly people who may have victoriously undergone a tough time you and your spouse may be going through. If domestic violence, persistent emotional abuse, or infidelity is involved, please seek necessary help as soon as possible.