So, your relationship of a few months or several years just ended. You told them off. They ghosted themselves out of your life. Or maybe you both were forced to mutually (or violently👀) end things due to irreconcilable differences. Or they had this nasty habit you could no longer put up with. Or one of you got tired of committing to another human being.
Whatever may have been the reason for your breakup, two things are sure. One, a breakup can be downright difficult. You’ve invested your life, emotions, time, resources, and prayers into the relationship, and what do you get in return? A bitter, abrupt end?
Secondly, there are definitely things you should not do after a breakup. Doing any of these things right after you end your relationship will only worsen things in the long run.
Do Not Associate the Failure of the Relationship with Your Identity.
Your relationship failed, not you. So don’t go hating yourself. It might be hard but do not give in to that urge to start to see yourself as a failure. You are not a failure; you had another human being to deal with in that relationship. So, do not let the devil lie to you because he will surely come – especially if you ever felt God leading you in that relationship.
Hold up. It takes two to tango. The entire blame for the breakup will definitely not be on you alone. It takes an action and a reaction for a breakup to happen. And even if your action led to the breakup, the other person’s reaction had to finalize it.
But wait, what if something you did was the reason it happened? How does hating yourself fix what’s in the past? And hey, aren’t you going to be better off without the bug in that relationship?
What should you do?
Instead of hating on yourself for the failed relationship, you want to find out what lessons you could learn from the breakup, learn them, and move on.
Most importantly, the relationship may have been a significant part of your life, but it is not who you are. There is a lot more about your true identity than a romantic relationship. So, what you want to do right after a breakup is to associate yourself with quality reminders of your true identity. If your identity comes from God, now is the best time to spend more time with Him to remind yourself of who you really are. For example, if you find fulfillment in helping others, now is the time to reach out to more people. Sink deep into your life’s purpose.
Do Not Isolate Yourself for Too Long
I understand. A breakup can be shattering, and you just want to be left alone to cry out your eyes. Nothing wrong with that, especially if you do some retrospective thinking after grieving for your relationship. But do not make the isolation a long-term thing.
What should you do?
When you’ve taken a few days (a week at most) to be by yourself, you want to also lean into other relationships in your life for comfort. Hang out with friends, attend events, attend church, and spend more time with your family. The aim is not simply to medicate or plaster up the wound. You want to be able to remind yourself of other beautiful relationships you have as you heal from the hurt of a breakup.
Do Not Jump Into Another Relationship Too Quickly.
Yeah, I know, you were in that relationship for so long that you’re not sure you can go a day without having to check up on someone or have someone check up and care for you.
You want a rebound, and well, you’ve also seen your ex flaunt their new partner. You don’t want to be left behind. All you want to do is hop on the next relationship bus. But jumping into another relationship right after a breakup is only a recipe for disaster.
What should you do?
Steer clear of relationships for some time. You need time to heal to ensure you do not repeat the mistake of the last relationship.
You also need time to lean back into your identity so you’re sure you’ve not been feeding your identity with the satisfaction of being with another person.
Do Not Bottle Up Your Feelings
Breakups are painful – especially if you truly loved and were committed to the person in question. Hence, you may be tempted to try to evade the pain of a breakup by ignoring how you feel or medicating on something to avoid the feeling.
Unfortunately, trying to ‘conceal the pain’ will only hurt you more. First, you will not be able to heal properly when you do that, and nothing damages your mind as much as concealed trauma. Secondly, you risk transferring that hurt into other aspects of your life, your other relationships, and even the next person you commit to.
What should you do?
Acknowledge that you’ve been hurt. Cry if you would.
Then, scrutinize your pain to see what caused its intensity (lessons?). At this point, you want to ensure that you learn the necessary lessons. How and why did you go into the relationship in the first place? Did you play a role in what went wrong in the relationship? Did you tone down your values just to keep up with the relationship? Did you neglect other areas of your life for the relationship?
At this point, you also want to talk to someone about your pain. Your friends can help here, but I’d suggest you talk to someone who wouldn’t pick sides – a therapist or counselor would be great. God is also a perfect place to start with. You can hand that pain to Him and ask Him to help you through the season.
Do Not Break Up with God
You may have felt that God led you into that relationship, and now it’s all down the drain. How could He do that to you – tell you to get into a relationship to be hurt this bad?
God may not have led you into that relationship, but why would He let you suffer this much?
Whatever the case may be for you, please do not break up with God after a breakup.
What should you do?
Instead, you want to try your best not to let your failed relationship affect what you have with God. Your ex may have failed or disappointed you, but it’s not in God’s nature to fail. Find comfort in Him and the scriptures, and do not skip gatherings with other believers.
Talk to God about your feelings – yell if you want. He’s ready to listen. But do not be in a hurry to hear Him respond in spectacular ways. Don’t stop pouring your heart out to Him; you’ll see Him handle that pain for you.
Do Not Make Big Decisions Right Away
I know staying in that house after your breakup will only make things difficult. Everything reminds you of them because they probably bought some of your furniture and personal items, or you bought them together. But deciding to move homes or relocate to another city or country (or make any significant decision) right after a breakup is never a good idea. You may be too overwhelmed by your emotions to make any sound choice.
What should you do?
Take time to wholly consider whatever big decisions you may be tempted to make after a breakup. Your relationship was only one of the many areas of your life. You may want to consider the other areas that could be affected by that decision before you jump into it.
You may also want to speak to a neutral person about that decision. Speaking to your best friend at this point may not help much because they’ll surely pick sides with you and possibly encourage that (risky) decision you’re about to take. However, a neutral person will help you work through your decision in the most logical and appropriate manner possible.
Do Not Give Up On Love and Life
Experiences leave residues in our minds – breakups are no exception. The circumstances of that breakup may make you draw a conclusion about life, the opposite sex, or the reality of having a happy marriage. Do not let those bad residues stay (no matter how messy the breakup was).
Your ex may also have been a bad person, but hey, there are still over 8.1 billion people out there – surely, we all can’t be like your ex. So, take all the time you need to bounce back, but do not close the chapter on love.
Do not also go about sharing your bad experience to support people who talk down on true love.
What you should do?
Remember that you are a lovable person, and you deserve love. God loves you, your family adores you, and your friends are blessed to have you. See that failed relationship as an avenue to improve bleeding areas of your life so that when the real deal eventually comes along, nothing will sabotage it.
Give yourself to growth in every area of your life – do your best at work, increase your wealth, take care of your health, and spend money to renew and rejuvenate yourself, all while you gracefully wait for the love of your life.
Conclusion
That you experienced a breakup does not mean God is done with you. He wants you to enjoy the fullness of His love expressed through another person. Keep your heart open. It will happen for you.
