I know you’re thinking, “Meb, I’ve really got no business with topics like stop seeking external validation.”
That’s what everybody thinks. But could you kindly read on for a few seconds?
You post something and can’t stop checking how many likes it has gotten. Or, you feel very confident – until no one claps. You believe in your idea – until someone questions it.
You were doing fine, like you couldn’t be bothered… until they didn’t reply, didn’t react, or didn’t take note of what you did.
Or wait, you always say yes when your innermost being is screaming no, just to avoid disappointing someone.
Does any of the above sound like you?
Then, you’re likely running after approval and external validation like it’s your life’s goal. But don’t worry, you are not alone, and you can be free.
So many other people are living in a cycle of external validation addiction. And the root of this approval addiction is that deep down, people are unsure of their worth.
The worst part?
People also subconsciously believe this need will disappear when they finally look a certain way, have enough money, get married, or achieve specific goals. But the truth is that you cannot stop seeking external validation when internal affirmation is still missing.
And we were never designed to live off the applause of people. We were built to thrive from the inside out, with a sense of confidence rooted not in external factors but in who we are on the inside.
In this blog, I’ll show you subtle signs of validation addiction. But most importantly, I’ll give you practical tips on how to stop seeking external validation and start living authentically.
Start with the Ugly Truth
Before you take any step towards healing from your addiction to external validation, you need to first face the truth – even when it is bitter: you’ve outsourced your self-worth to people who have no business interacting with it.
Of course, you did not do that on purpose. Something may or may not have happened, and now, you can’t seem to exist without validation from other people.
Signs of Approval Addiction
Here are some subtle signs that you are stuck on seeking external validation or you’re addicted to approval from others:
- You constantly second-guess your choices or subconsciously try to see that they suit what other people will like.
- You obsess over social media views, likes, and comments, especially if you do not run an online business.
- You say yes (when you are to say no) to avoid being disliked.
- You cannot handle rejection and criticism.
- You feel empty when people do not notice or commend you.
- You fail to set boundaries because you do not want to offend people.
- You change your personality to match what you think people will prefer. And sometimes you shrink just so you don’t discomfort others.
- You obsess over being seen with a celebrity or prominent person.
- You post what you believe will get attention, never what is honest and authentic.
- You lie to get into people’s good books.
- You lose sleep over what people think about you.
- You always feel a need to explain yourself excessively.
- You downplay your values to fit in.
- You please people at the expense of your well-being.
- You never speak your mind, so people don’t stop seeing you as a ‘nice’ person.
Understand Where the Need Came From
Now, that was a really long list.
But where does approval addiction come from? What causes the constant need to be validated externally?
Here are some common root causes of that endless search for external validation:
- Growing up in a home where love felt conditional.
- Being frequently praised or receiving affection only for your achievements and good behavior, not necessarily who you are.
- Constantly experiencing harsh criticism or emotional neglect in childhood.
- Being trained to believe you are responsible for others’ emotions as a child.
- Having the belief (sometimes from experience) that conflict is dangerous or wrong.
- Internalizing the belief that self-worth depends on others’ acceptance of you.
- Bullying or perpetual exclusion that created the fear of rejection.
- Being surrounded by emotionally unavailable or inconsistent parents, friends, or lovers.
- Experiencing trauma that shattered your self-confidence.
- Constantly being compared negatively to siblings or peers.
- Absorbing cultural or religious messages that discourage individuality.
- Not making any intentional effort to know your identity or build confidence.
Ground Your Worth in Something That Can’t Be Taken Away
If you will build self-worth that defies the opinions of others, then it must have a foundation. Now, because you will always interact with people who will try to let you know how they feel about you, that foundation must be solid and built on something other than other people.
That ‘something’ should be Someone – God. He is literally the only constant and unshaking Factor in our lives. Every other thing changes and will always relate to you conditionally.
So, to stop seeking external validation, you must embrace God’s validation as the only validation that matters.
Since you are precious to me, you are honored, and I love you. I will exchange others for you. Nations will be the price I pay for your life.
Isaiah 43:4
For starters, He loved you even before you knew Him. He accepted and chose you before you could even say His name. His love and faithfulness toward you have absolutely nothing to do with what you do or do not do.
So, internalize God’s truth. What has He said about you? Go find out because it will be the only validation you will ever need when you do.
Another way to kill people-pleasing and the need for external validation is to choose obedience to God over approval from men. Have you ever had a moment where you obeyed God, and you just knew in your spirit that God was pleased?
How did you feel at that moment? Validated, seen, and approved? Now, that’s the kind of validation you should be seeking. One coming from a Source that doesn’t change with the tide or the tone of your response.
When you constantly find yourself in moments where you can literally feel God smile over you, validation from men will mean absolutely nothing to you.
Learn the Art of Self-Validation
And no, I’m not talking of the validation from aesthetic self-confidence Instagram reels. Those do not deal with anything. They’re only plain acting.
To learn to validate yourself from your core, you must first deal with the root cause of your people-pleasing tendencies. Then, gradually rewire your mind to get from within yourself the satisfaction and validation you crave from others.
To practice self-validation,
- Reflect on your identity and what you’re proud of about yourself, even when others may not agree with you.
- Practice setting personal goals based on your values, not what others (or society) expect of you.
- Celebrate your small wins privately, genuinely, and in the best way possible.
- Learn to talk to yourself like you matter, and don’t criticize yourself when you make mistakes.
- Journal often to understand the motives behind your decisions and actions.
- Practice spending time alone to strengthen your self-trust and clarity.
- Learn to accept compliments with grace – without basing your self-worth on them.
- Be happy to set and stand with your boundaries where necessary.
Give People the Right to Misunderstand and Not Like You
When you’ve learned the art of self-validation, you will need to be detoxed from people-pleasing patterns. One of the ways you can do that is to give people the right to misunderstand you, not like you, or not even appreciate you.
It’s up to other people to choose, like, and validate you. But if they don’t do any of those, learn to be okay with it.
You won’t stop being a good person, but stop going out of your way to make people see your worth. Let those who do not want to see and acknowledge your worth be. Don’t stress about it.
I know this is much easier to say, but that’s where you’ll find lasting freedom. Because when you do, you give yourself enough mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical room to be authentic and flourish.
Conclusion
Approval addiction and people-pleasing tendencies are what everybody gets to deal with at different points in life. The goal is to recognize them when they’re on display and tackle them from their roots – forever.
So, tell me, what will you start or stop doing today to stop seeking external validation?
