Uncommon Truths About Marriage

The rate at which people are getting hitched these days is really going out of this world. However, let’s take wedding ceremonies as the joyful events they should be, and we’ll have reasons to rejoice for each wedding.

But do you know what’s really terrifying?

The rate at which marriages are ending for reasons other than death!

It’s as though the rate of separation is gradually surpassing the rate of new marriages. And even when you take a genuine census among those who still stay married, you’ll find that most have become mere roommates and co-parents over time.

Doesn’t that tell that there is something terribly wrong somewhere?

Yes, it does.

But I can bet on my life that the institution of marriage isn’t the problem. God initially said it was not good for man to be alone. So, he made woman and marriage was instituted. This can only mean that marriage solved the not-good state of man and – is in itself good.

So, this now leaves us with the fact that the problem comes from people who go into marriage.

Most importantly, I think the problem comes from the things people do not know about marriage and how they walk into it.

Let’s trash a few of them:

Marriage Is A Covenant

I believe my generation still doesn’t understand the gravity of marriage and sex (let’s not even get started here). That’s why people go into marriage with the mindset that ‘if it doesn’t work, we’ll get a divorce’. As a result, phrases like ‘irreconcilable differences’ are used now more than ever before.

There’s already a plan B, so most people do not put the effort to make the best out of their marriages.

But can I tell you that marriage is a covenant? If not, how do two separate people ever become one?

If you do not know anything else about marriage, remember that it is a covenant. It is a covenant that binds you and your spouse by your lives. And if both of you are believers in Christ, it becomes a threefold covenant – with God as the third Entity.

When you say, ’till death do us part’, you’re indirectly saying, let me die should I ever decide to hurt you or end this marriage. And doing anything against your spouse also means you’re doing so against God and the marriage institution itself.

Yes! That is what a marriage covenant entails!!

Suppose you’re familiar with stories of people who join a cult and are threatened with death when they try to leave. In that case, you’ll understand that the marriage covenant is also serious.

Furthermore, if the marriage relationship was the one thing that was worthy enough to be used as an analogy to elaborate on the relationship between Christ and the church, then we ought to know how serious marriage is.

Therefore, as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.

Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for it.

                                                                                                         Eph 5:24-25

That marriage is a covenant also means it is risky to go into it simply because you’re old enough to be married or you do not want to fornicate. You do not jump into a covenant you do not understand simply because everybody is doing it. You must understand this covenant and its sacred requirement before hopping in.

Marriage Is Not A Fairy Tale. It Is Deliberate Work

Happily, ever after?

C’mon, we all know this phrase, and I’m sure we sometimes wish for it – for ourselves or others.

We all look forward to a marriage where it’s all smiles, flashing bright teeth, and automated synchronization between our spouses and us. 

Marital bliss is possible and is even supposed to be the norm. But it doesn’t happen on autopilot. It requires deliberate effort.

However, the thought that marriage is a fairy tale is why you’ll find two people intending to get married, and all they put their effort into is the wedding ceremony. No iota of preparation for the main thing – sharing your life with someone else. But they expect to have a blissful marriage.

Kindly note that preparation here isn’t limited to what you do or discuss with your partner before the wedding. I’m talking about placing your heart and mindset in a posture that is appropriate for marriage. I’m talking about deliberate efforts to develop yourself, refine your mindset, and restructure your habits to joyfully accommodate another person.

If you fail to do these personal modifications before marriage, you’ll end up doing them in marriage. And you can imagine the catastrophic reaction that will take place when two unrefined, immature, self-centered people try to modify themselves while living together. Most marriages never survive the outcome.

Can I also state that more than 50% of the work you do in marriage is prayer?

See, if your marriage will go the way God wants it, the devil will fight it. Don’t forget you have your flesh (and ego) to deal with. And praying effectively in marriage includes your personal prayer and the ones you do with your spouse (this is where your spirits join). 

Moreover, if marriage is a covenant, it means you must do away with selfishness and pay attention to the other persons in the covenant. The man’s attention will be on God and his wife, and the woman’s attention will be on God and her husband. Take God’s word for this; no marriage centered around this principle is bound to fail.

That said, I can now boldly say that the goal of marriage is not merely to make you happy. It is to conform you to the image of Christ. And from what I know about conformation, it does not always feel pleasurable to our flesh. Howbeit, the end results are always worth it.

But in a generation where people are only after ‘doing what makes them happy’, it’s no wonder most marriages do not last beyond several months or a few years.

Being Married Doesn’t Precisely Change You

I believe the gross misconception that people will change in marriage is the reason people see red flags and still head into marriage.

‘He will change with time.’

‘After being with me for 2 years, that habit will change.’

Breaking news?

The only person you can genuinely change is you. Even the Holy Spirit needs people’s cooperation to change them.

Being married will only change a person if they enter with the right mindset. For example, a man may not know how to organize his belongings. But if he knows it would be unfair to leave his wife to pick up after him all the time, he will make a deliberate effort to change his bad habit in marriage.

But if this man doesn’t have a correct mindset toward marriage, no kind of nagging will make him change so quickly.

Do you get it?

So, the problem is that many intending couples either do not look out for the essential things or they ignore the terrible things they see. And when they can no longer stand those things in marriage, they back out.

Marriage Is About Uncovering Yourself To Another Person – Spirit, Soul, And Body

This is the part a lot of people in this age miss in marriage.

Marriage is about stripping your spirit, soul, and body bare before your spouse and letting them see the depth of you without an iota of shame.

Unfortunately, we all know how to do the opening of the body right after the wedding. But you see, the uncovering of souls and spirit, I bet more than 60% of marriages know absolutely nothing about this.

Marriage is all about vulnerability, and you cannot sustain a marriage with someone you’re not vulnerable to.

What do I mean? You do not always have to be superman before your wife, and you do not always have to be wonder woman before your husband.

There’s this couple I know. About a year ago, I politely suggested to the man (Mr Z) to carry out a particular home improvement activity while I was doing mine. I was even ready to pay for his since I hired the handyman in the first place. But he turned down the suggestion.

I would have been fine if he’d told me he couldn’t do it simply because he never planned for it. But he went on to say, ‘my wife will think I don’t know what I am doing.’

Months later, I got talking with his wife (call her Mrs Z), and we were discussing (not gossiping, please) another woman (call her Mrs B). I was telling Mrs Z that Mrs B said she never had food cravings during her pregnancies because even if she did, her husband wasn’t always home to attend to those cravings. So, I asked Mrs Z if she had pregnancy cravings because I was pretty sure I would have a lot of them, and my future husband should be ready to share the pregnancy with me.

But Mrs Z’s response shocked the life out of me. She said from her experience, and I quote, “Work, oh. Don’t do all those wanting petting stuff. Work until he sees that you have tried; else, he will be running away from home and going to the club.”

Can you see the pattern?

Mrs Z is trying to prove to her husband that she is a strong, proverb 31 woman. On the other hand, her husband would do anything to keep up his status as a wise leader before his wife.

In my opinion, this is not vulnerability. And I’m sorry to say couples who always want to present their best sides to their spouses will only end up enduring their marriages. This is because they cannot savor the beauty of getting to know the depth of another person, down to their weakest parts, and still be head over heels in love with them.

You can strive to be indestructible before other people. But as soon as enter your home, you should be able to take off your cloak and coverings and lay bare (spirit, soul, and body) before your spouse.

I’ll put down my pen here.

Let me know if you want a sequel to this post in the comment section. I’m sure we have quite a lot to discuss, and I hope you will decide today that your marriage must work (even if you’re already married).

Much love!