One costly mistake most Christians make when it comes to dating and marital relationships is that we often throw caution to the wind just because the other person carries the label, ‘Christian’. By the time you get intimate with such people, there will be so many red flags you’re ignoring in your ‘Christian’ relationship.
As a result, many stay in draining, confusing, or even manipulative relationships simply because the other person identifies as “Christian” or says all the right spiritual things.
It is even worse when you believe you have received a sign from God that ‘they are the one.’
But here’s the truth, not every relationship that includes prayer, Bible verses, and “God said” is healthy.
And just because someone goes to church doesn’t mean they belong to God or are even submitted to Him.
God can even reveal someone as ‘the one,’ but that will not absolve them of the work they need to do on themselves.
But this blog isn’t here to judge your relationship. I’m writing to help you see things a bit more clearly.
Let’s uncover some of the most common red flags Christians ignore in dating or courtship and explore how to respond.
Why Christians Often Overlook Red Flags in Relationships
Here some reasons you may be overlooking red flags in your dating relationship as a Christian:
You Assume every christian makes a good spouse
There is a general assumption that being a Christian or a churchgoer automatically makes someone a good spouse. So, you ignore what you should pay attention to while convincing yourself that they will make a good spouse simply because they identify with the church.
Well, being a Christian is supposed to equip one to be a good spouse. There’s the knowledge from scriptures and the help of the Holy Spirit.
But not every Christian deliberately yields to the Word and the Spirit of God. And when someone does not yield to the Spirit of God, their human tendencies take over and they become no different in character than the one who is yet to even know God.
You are under pressure to marry quickly or fear of being alone
This one is pretty obvious. When you’re desperate to be married or too afraid to be alone, you’ll take anything thrown at you in the name of a relationship.
And most times, people who ignore red flags in dating out of the fear of being alone often hope the red flags go away once they’re married. Nothing can be further from the truth.
You’re focusing on potential instead of reality
This is usually one of the strongest reasons Christians overlook red flags in courtship. We are either trying to patiently wait for the other person to become someone great (as they may be promising), or we’re daydreaming of who they can be when they change from their destructive behaviors.
For example, they look like they may become a prominent minister of the gospel someday, with you being their adored partner. So you turn a blind eye to all those red flags so you don’t miss out on this lifetime opportunity.
You are clueless about what you want in a relationship
This is the worst of them all. When you have no clue about what you want or should have in a relationship as a Christian, you’ll accept everything – including the red flags.
In this case, you won’t just be overlooking red flags in a Christian relationship; you won’t even know the flags are there.
Take this Marriage Readiness Quiz to see how much you know of what you need in marriage or a relationship.
What are the Red Flags You’re Ignoring In Your Christian Relationship?
Now, here are some red flags you may be overlooking in your Christian relationship:
You’re always the one sacrificing while they stay comfortable
As Christians, we are expected to give selflessly without expecting anything in return. However, in a healthy relationship, both parties are supposed to give and sacrifice selflessly.
But if you find that you are the only one making all the sacrifices in your Christian relationship while the other person does absolutely nothing, then that’s a red flag.
I understand your partner may experience seasons where they do not have much (financial or emotional) to give. But no matter how bad the drought may be for them, it should never leave you perpetually being the only one giving or making sacrifices in the relationship.
If this is the case, then you’re likely only in a relationship with yourself because if someone is invested in a relationship, they would give and make some sacrifices, no matter how small.
They manipulate you emotionally or spiritually
If they are in the habit of compelling or manipulating you into doing anything against your will, then that’s one of the most significant red flags you’re ignoring in your Christian relationship.
More often than not, those manipulations are done under the covering of scriptures or “God said, so it must be.”
Other times, they take advantage of your emotions to get you to do something you wouldn’t willingly do. Whichever way, when your partner starts to seek and take unreasonable control of your life, that is a red flag.
They don’t respect your boundaries
When your partner constantly disrespects you or disregards your boundaries, those are red flags. Or worse still, they make you feel like a bad or selfish person for setting boundaries or not letting them control you.
Please know that boundaries are never selfish. They are there to protect you. So, anyone who hates or despises your boundaries is out to hurt you.
If they shame you for choosing to be celibate or try to compel you into breaking your covenant with God, then they’re definitely not the one for you.
Do you not know that you are the temple of God and that the Spirit of God dwells in you? If anyone defiles the temple of God, God will destroy him. For the temple of God is holy, which temple you are.
I Corinthians 3:16-17
They obviously can’t be who God has for you when they are willing to defile God’s temple so that you will be destroyed.
Their walk with God exists mostly in words, not fruit
If they can quote all the scriptures and preach a storm about a million topics, yet when the rubber hits the road, they go MIA, then that’s a red flag you’re ignoring in your Christian relationship.
Or maybe you’re looking at a consistent pattern of lying, sinful lifestyle, or not living up to their words, that’s a huge red flag.
A genuine Christian will never stop merely saying or preaching the Word. They will try to yield to God’s Spirit and do the Word.
You’re constantly anxious, confused, or doubting yourself with them
If their presence and your interactions with them always leave you on the edge, confused, or doubtful of your worth, then you’re being manipulated out of your authenticity, and that’s an entire red country.
Most times, these feelings can graduate to an obsession where you start believing you’ll be nothing without them. But you may be ignoring these things because your partner may have mastered the art of making you ‘feel good.’
If you ever have to walk on eggshells to avoid unleashing your partner’s wrath, that’s not a healthy relationship. With time, you’ll begin to lose your sense of worth, get confused about your identity, and even start to shrink yourself to stay loved by them.
They isolate you from others ‘for your good’
You started to see the need to stay away from friends and family who have always been a significant part of your life – all because you got into a relationship?
That is a red flag.
Whether they are compelling you to isolate yourself, creating tension between you and the important people in your life, or interacting with them just makes you dislike nurturing your other meaningful relationships, it’s not a sign of a healthy Christian relationship.
Or they may even ask you to keep your relationship hidden from your parents, mentors, pastors, and other important people in your life. Don’t ignore this sign.
A healthy Christian relationship should nourish you well enough to adequately build your other relationship. In fact, a Godsent should even be happy to know and interact with the other important people in your life, not draw you away from them.
They discourage your purpose or call it ‘too much’
When they mock or belittle the things you do for purpose, that’s a red flag. No matter how Christainese your partner sounds, if they are unwilling to support and even help you fulfil your God-given purpose, they’re a red flag you should not ignore.
Do you know why?
God’s aim for marriage is for it to be a tool to help us fulfil our divine purpose. When marriage does not help us or hinder us from fulfilling our purpose, then that marriage is unsuccessful before God, no matter how glamorous it looks on the outside.
The discouragement may even come as a harmless joke that mocks or downplays your zeal or action towards fulfilling your purpose.
When the one with whom you intend to enter this sacred covenant of marriage with is unwilling to support your purpose, it is a red flag you shouldn’t ignore.
They use scripture or spiritual terms to cover bad behavior
They fall into sin, and instead of repenting or confessing, they justify their actions with Bible verses? If your partner ever uses scripture to justify bad behavior or emotional unavailability, then that’s a red flag.
This is especially true when you have clearly seen them judge, condemn, or talk down on others for doing the same things. But when it gets to them, they find a way to use scriptures or their spiritual experiences to cover up dysfunction.
Other times, they may avoid hard conversations or even start to pray instead of having those conversations. Prayer is what every Christian must do every day. But when it comes to sustaining a healthy marital relationship, you can never overlook having specific conversations and be successful.
They’re nice to you but mean to other people
Godly virtues are not selective. When someone is being nice to you but mean to others, that’s a red flag you should not ignore.
You know why?
They’re only performing and pretending to be nice before you so they can achieve their mischievous aim of either using you or luring you to marry them.
As a matter of fact, one of the most accurate tests of virtue is to observe how someone treats other people when no one is watching, especially people of lower social status or people who are unable to reciprocate kindness.
The Holy Spirit keeps nudging you, but you keep silencing Him.
Yup. If you are a Spirit-led Christian, the Holy Spirit won’t just watch you stay in error. He must have tried to tell or dissuade you from continuing that relationship.
But you were probably too lovestruck to even hear Him.
So, one of the flags you’re ignoring in your Christian relationship could be that the Holy Spirit has been giving you nudges against that relationship, but you’re choosing to ignore them.
Or you just have that discomforting feeling that ‘something’s not right.’ that’s a red flag.
How to Respond When You See These Red Flags
When you discover the red flags you’re ignoring in your Christian relationship, the best response will be to address them immediately.
Stop ignoring the red flags
Stop making excuses for anyone, and don’t try to do the job of the Holy Spirit. So, stop ignoring those red flags. If the red flags you discover are not too severe, you need to call out your partner right away and ensure they commit to change.
Pray about them
This one’s for you if you have received concrete confirmation from God about your partner.
Sometimes, your partner could be displaying these behaviors because they have not encountered certain truths in God.
When you pray for them, you help them encounter this truth and commit to change with the help of God’s Spirit.
If you’re dealing with severe manipulation and exploitation, you may want to physically distance yourself from them while you pray for them.
Talk to someone
You can also talk to a mentor or trusted person about your discovery. God can speak to you through their counsel, and you’ll know the next line of action to take.
Leave
Sometimes, these red flags are simply an expression of who your partner truly is, and change will be a challenging feat to attain with them. So, leave.
It will be tough at first, but in the long run, you’ll be grateful you did not end up marrying them and making those red flags your permanent reality.
Read this blog to see the things you should not do after breaking up with them.
Conclusion
I know how hard and devastating it can be to invest your love and heart in a relationship with someone, only for them to turn out not to be who you hoped they were.
But hey, beyond your being in a relationship or getting married, God wants you whole. He wants you to walk in the fullness of who He has made you without fear or guilt.
Why would you let someone who isn’t ready to put in work to mature rob you of the privilege of being God’s beloved, flourishing child?
