If you’ve been struggling with boundaries and wondering if you’ll ever learn to set boundaries without feeling guilty, you’ve just found your answer.
Many people sure know they need boundaries. But learning how to set boundaries without feeling guilty can be one of the hardest things to do when relating with people, especially if you’ve never had boundaries before.
But boundaries are a powerful tool for ensuring your emotional, spiritual, and mental well-being in relationships. In fact, without healthy boundaries, you cannot have healthy interactions with other people.
So, if the fear of seeming rude, selfish, or unkind has been keeping you trapped in patterns of overgiving and burnout, this blog is for you.
I’ll help you understand how to set boundaries without feeling guilty so that you can honor your own needs while still showing up in your relationships.
You’ll learn how to define your limits, use loving language, and respond to guilt without falling apart. We’ll also cover phrases you can use, common myths that keep people trapped, and how to stick to your values even when others push back.
PS: Read this post to dive deeper into the critical reasons you cannot compromise on boundaries in your relationships.
Why You Feel Guilty Setting Boundaries
Don’t worry, that you feel guilty whenever you try to set boundaries does not in any way mean you are a bad person. Instead, here are some reasons you find it discomforting to set boundaries.
You believe boundaries are selfish
You were probably taught that setting boundaries and protecting your peace and energy was selfish and unkind. This upbringing is usually more common among Christians, where people learn to simply let everything everyone does slide.
But there is nothing selfish and unkind about healthy boundaries because they nurture you. And only when you are well-nurtured can you show up properly for other people.
You fear disappointing people or being misunderstood
Read this post to heal from your fear of being misunderstood.
You can also read this to learn practical ways to stop seeking approval from others so you can be free and independent enough to set and maintain healthy boundaries.
You don’t understand what love is
When you confuse love with overextending yourself, you may feel guilty setting boundaries. This mindset can come from upbringing and sometimes a misinterpretation of scriptures.
You believe your worth is tied to giving alone
When you believe your worth is tied to how much you give, you will feel guilty about setting boundaries. You know why?
Setting boundaries means you only give what your responsibilities are in a relationship. It also leaves room for the other person to bring in their quota of efforts.
But when you believe your worth is tied only to how much you give, you may not be comfortable about regulating how much you give.
You feel responsible for other people’s feelings
The reason you struggle with how to set boundaries without feeling guilty is that you somehow feel responsible for how others react to your choices. You feel it is in your place to take away everything that saddens them, including your boundaries, and put in whatever gives them joy.
But the way people react to your boundaries is not your responsibility in any way.
Practical Steps to Set Boundaries Without Feeling Guilty
Get clear on what you need
Before drawing any kind of boundary line, you must first understand what is yours and what you need, versus what the other person’s responsibilities are.
You need to understand your non-negotiables in each area of your life so you’re firmly rooted in them before external pressure comes.
A good place to start if you want to understand what you need before setting boundaries is to be clear about your purpose, goals, vision, and life’s principles. So, in setting boundaries, you’re saying “no” to anything that opposes any of these critical demands of your life and embracing the things that foster them.
Interweave these critical aspects of your life into each of your relationships so you can understand the kind of boundaries you need to set in each of them.
Communicate your boundaries clearly but calmly
Now, when you are clear about the unique boundaries you need to set for each relationship, you must tell the other person about those boundaries in a clear but calm way. If you don’t tell them, they may never know and keep violating those boundaries.
Sometimes, you may need to outrightly tell people what you can or cannot do, tolerate, or accept from them. Other times, you need to use polite but firm sentences like, “I can’t commit to that right now,” “That doesn’t work for me,” and “I’m not comfortable discussing that.”
One crucial tip I’ll give you that can help you deal with the guilt in bits is to start small. Start by saying “no” to not-so-significant things that don’t align with your priorities. Start by turning down that beer from friends or even turning down your coworker’s request for “urgent help.” When you’ve mastered those, you can them move on to the big things.
Expect pushback, but don’t back down
If you’ve never set boundaries with people before, don’t quite expect them to immediately comply and stick to your boundaries. They will push back. Phrases like “You’ve changed,” “Do you really mean that?” or “This is new” will definitely come up often. But don’t back down.
Stay firm on your boundaries, and should people violate them, politely let them know you don’t appreciate having them cross those boundaries. If they still fail to comply, set repercussions for crossing your boundaries.
Repercussions look like leaving when your date stands you up for more than a period you’re comfortable with. It can also be denying that friend entry to your home when they show up unannounced after you’ve told them to stop.
What to Do When Guilt Shows After You Set Boundaries
The first few times you try to set boundaries, you will feel guilt sting you a bit. But instead of backing down, do the following:
- Recognize guilt as a false alarm because you’re obviously doing the right thing by setting boundaries.
- Remind yourself of why you are setting those boundaries in the first place.
- Remind yourself that you’re not rejecting or punishing anyone for setting boundaries. You’re protecting your peace and nurturing your relationship with them.
- Ask God for wisdom to navigate the boundary-setting seasons of your various relationships.
Conclusion
Now that you’ve learned how to set boundaries without feeling guilty, I hope you’ll take the necessary steps to protect your peace and do what is right for your relationships.
In the comment section, tell me what step you’ll be taking right away.
