You don’t need another failed connection to confirm what you can feel so strongly – you keep attracting the wrong people to your life. The patterns are too familiar to ignore. It’s either people ghosting you after you’ve invested your time and resources into the relationship, or they’re altogether thoughtless from the beginning.
It’s tempting to blame others for being the bad guys. But what if the real question you should be asking is, “why do I keep attracting the wrong people?”
If that long list of people with whom you’ve had disappointing relational experiences are not related and do not know each other, then you are the common denominator, and you’re dealing with a “you” problem.
But hey, I did not write this post to simply call you out and disappear. I’ve written this post to bring you to a place of awareness. To empower you to break the negative cycle and stop making room for the wrong people in your life.
The fact that you are attracting those people does not mean you are powerless about the outcomes of your relationships. Nope.
It means that something within you is drawing them to you and allowing them to occupy a space in your life. This post will help you disarm those things that attract the wrong people in your life.
So, if you’re tired of mismatched relationships, emotional exhaustion, and always having to heal from experiencing people, this is the clarity and remedy you need.
Signs You’re Attracting the Wrong People
Before we go on to look at the reasons you keep attracting the wrong people, let’s make sure you are truly attracting the wrong people.
Here are some signs that you are stuck in a cycle of allowing the wrong people into your life.
- You keep giving way more than you receive in relationships or friendships.
- You’ve been in several toxic, abusive, or manipulative relationships (platonic or romantic) within a short time.
- You always end up with emotionally unavailable people.
- You often end up with friends or lovers who disappear or opt out of your life without explanation.
- You often feel emotionally drained after interactions.
- You feel a tingle of jealousy when you see people in healthy relationships.
- You’re always the one making an effort to keep your friendships or relationships alive.
- You may have many friends but still feel lonely and unseen.
- You often find yourself fixing or rescuing others.
Now that you know what to look out for, let’s look at some reasons you attract the wrong people and end up with these signs.
Why You Keep Attracting the Wrong People
You Don’t Truly Know or Value Yourself
The conversation around having healthy self-worth ranks among the most important conversations we should all have in life.
So many things can go wrong when you do not know your worth, one of them being that you will keep attracting the wrong people.
When you do not truly know and value yourself, your presence alone tells those who care to listen that you aren’t worth much and will settle for anything.
Without healthy self-knowledge and worth, you tell people that you do not know how to define yourself. Sure enough, there are people who will be happy to project on you, label you, define you, and control how you use your time and resources.
You’re Afraid of Being Alone, a.k.a. You’re Desperate.
When you are not comfortable being by yourself, you’ll do anything to have anyone in your life.
And trust me, desperation is a powerful magnet for manipulators and nonchalant people. They know you’ll do anything to keep the relationship alive, while they don’t have to lift a finger because… well, you don’t want to be alone.
Don’t get me wrong. I know that the image of desperation you have is someone panting, sweating, and getting all worked up to have something or someone.
But there’s a subtle desperation that is often the primary reason you attract the wrong people into your life. You can call it a strong desire – to be in a romantic relationship or have friends.
Mine was the desperation to have “friends turned sisters.’ I really wanted to experience a deep connection in my friendships so much that I began to say yes to everyone. I even went on to put so much effort into people I had yet to confirm their state of mind towards me. All because I believed every lady around me might be the one – the friend turned sister.
Well, I kept giving my heart (not in a romantic way, though) to ladies who cared nothing about having deep friendships. I did not know they could sense my desperation – even though I presented myself as someone with such high esteem. Surely, I kept getting hurt with each female friendship until I understood I was the problem.
When you are afraid of being alone, you’ll not know how to rightly define relationships and accord them the correct priority in your life. So, the wrong people will always show up because they know they will take the front seat without deserving it.
Your Boundaries Are Too Weak or Nonexistent
There’s something about weak boundaries that keeps you attracting the wrong people into your life.
First of all, a lack of boundaries radiates a kind of aura that tells everyone that you are “pliable,” and they can make of you what they want. Good people with no intention of controlling or using you might receive the signal but won’t turn in.
However, those who seek control, emotional validation, or power without giving anything meaningful in return will gladly seize the opportunity.
And yes, if boundaries are like walls and gates into a house, then your doors are literally always open when you lack boundaries. And every Tom, Harry, Jane, and Mary will be happy to walk in to see what they can find inside.
You’re Not Being Authentic
When you fail to live authentically, you will almost always present a filtered version of yourself. What that means is that you show up in different ways to meet the expectations of the different people you interact with.
But the fact remains that the right people will not be drawn to a masked, role-playing version of you. It is always the wrong people who are drawn to your performance because they are looking for convenience and cheap affection, not depth.
When you’re not being authentic, you signal to manipulators and users that you’re up for trading your presence for acceptance. You tell people who thrive on absenteeism that you are available for their games because when you aren’t being authentic, the real you is actually absent.
You’re Addicted to Potential
Well, this is where most Christians may stumble. We’re told to extend grace to others and not judge them by their past or current predicament. We’re told to “take people as they are.”
So we grant access to all manner of people, especially those who use, hurt, and drain us – even when we can see the signs very clearly from the onset.
When you are addicted to people’s potential, instead of paying attention to who they are now, you may keep attracting the wrong people.
You know why?
Ignoring red flags makes you susceptible to people who take advantage of your “patience” and blindness to reality.
Even the concept of not judging people by their past is quite dicey. When you observe a repeated pattern of bad behavior in someone, rest assured that it is being driven by a particular mindset.
When you give these people access to your life, be prepared for the consequences because their future cannot be different from their past when they have not renewed their minds.
How to Actually Stop Attracting the Wrong People
Know and Value Yourself
Self-awareness and identity do not happen by accident. You need to do the inner work to understand your identity and accord the healthiest worth to yourself.
And when you do, ensure that everyone around you clearly understands that you value yourself.
Be Unapologetically You
Authenticity isn’t just self-expression. It is a filtering mechanism. It repels the ones who demand your silence and draws in the ones who meet you in your wholeness.
When you’re real, you stop attracting those who benefit from your absence and insecurity. You stop being a mirror for other people’s comfort and become a magnet for truth.
Raise Your Standards (and Stick to Them)
Let people call you proud, but don’t bring down your standards. Don’t stop clearly stating your non-negotiables and withdrawing access when someone continues to violate them.
Remember that your boundaries are like the door to your house. Don’t keep your doors open if you do not want the wrong people strolling in.
Practice Radical Honesty
If you want to stop attracting the wrong people and wasting your effort on people who do not deserve it, then you’ll need to be radically honest with yourself.
Call a spade a spade, and do not underestimate the power of patterns in defining who people truly are.
If you must befriend people for who they can become, then you must be sure you have confirmation of that potential from God. Or simply stop at being kind without divulging too much access to them or slacking with your boundaries
Learn to Be Okay Alone
You see that inner work we talked about earlier, it can only happen when you learn to enjoy your own company and be by yourself.
I’m not asking you to become a loner or socially awkward person. I’m just saying you should appreciate your own presence enough so that you can do the healing and growth that makes you whole.
When you start to appreciate being by yourself, you won’t entertain the desperation that attracts the wrong people in your life. Your relationships will also be purpose-driven and aligned to who you truly are, not out of the need for validation.
Conclusion
I know you are obviously tired of attracting the wrong people. Now, tell me one thing you will start to do (from what you’ve learned) to stop attracting the wrong people.
