If we are being honest, having difficult conversations isn’t fun. Whether you’re trying to set a boundary, confront a misunderstanding, or speak your truth to someone you love, the idea alone can give you the jitters and take your breath away.
You know why?
Whenever the thought of how to have a difficult conversation comes up, there’s just so much to worry about. You may say the wrong thing, get high on emotions, or react more than you should. Or, the other person might get too defensive or not even let you speak at all.
Whatever your fears about having a difficult conversation may be, they are absolutely valid.
If you’ve ever wondered how on earth you’d be able to have a difficult conversation, this is for you. Because knowing how to have difficult conversations isn’t just about what you say. It is about who you choose to be at that moment.
This post will show you exactly how to have difficult conversations without letting your emotions hijack the moment. And we’re not going to avoid those conversations because when done well, they can deepen your relationships, heal you and give you the freedom to stop carrying burdens you should never carry.
Why are Difficult Conversations… Difficult?
Difficult conversations are pretty much like every other conversation we have with the people in our lives. However, when the following are in the picture, they make what should be regular conversations difficult.
- You are unsure of what the other person’s response may be or you fear conflict or rejection from them.
- You have a history of being misunderstood or shut down by the other person or in other relationships in your life.
- You have personal emotional triggers, or unhealed emotional wounds.
- You lack clarity and confidence in the message you are trying to pass to the other person.
- There are high chances of the conversation triggering negative emotional responses from you or the other person.
- Difficult conversations may sometimes require some form of vulnerability – which can be tough to share with others.
Why You Need to Have Difficult Conversations
But hey, no matter how difficult a conversation poses to be, being able to have one is a skill you’ll need to be able to make the most of your relationships.
Here are crucial reasons you should learn how to have difficult conversations:
- Difficult conversations are crucial for conflict resolution. Avoiding a conversation doesn’t make the problem disappear. It only delays the damage that problem may be causing in your relationships.
- When you run away from difficult conversations, you avoid the truth and stay stuck in fake peace. Yeah, you know the kind of ‘peace’ that leaves you feeling bad on the inside while topping it up with a smile?
- You need to learn to have difficult conversations to grow in self-awareness, courage, and emotional intelligence.
- You need to have difficult conversations to be able to set boundaries, especially with people who are used to relating with you without boundaries.
- Trust me, mastering the art of having difficult conversations will promote clarity, trust, and mutual understanding in your relationships. You’ll be able to clarify your expectations and strengthen your bonds.
- When you’ve mastered having difficult conversations in your relationships, you encourage accountability because each party can talk freely about mistakes and unmet expectations, and also reinforce responsibility.
- No relationship can genuinely thrive without difficult conversations.
How to have Difficult Conversations
Prepare Emotionally Before the Conversation
Unless you’ll never get another chance to have that conversation with that person, I’d say you should always prepare for difficult conversations before they happen.
During this time, you want to bring all the dynamics of that relationship together, and place them side by side with what you hope to achieve with that conversation.
You want to first understand why you’ve categorized that conversation as ‘difficult,’ and how you will deal with those things that make it difficult.
So, let’s say you’re scared of approaching a friend to let them know you did not feel good about how they treated you publicly. One of the things you may be afraid of is an emotional outburst from them or their completely dismissing your concern.
What you can do to prepare beforehand is to:
- Rehearse the words you want to say to them and how you want to say them.
- Practice how you’ll react when they give a not-so-good response to your concern or boundaries.
- Decide the outcome you’re hoping to have from that conversation. Focusing on the outcome you desire from a conversation is key to ensuring that your emotions do not get the best of you during that conversation.
Stay Grounded During the Conversation
- Lead with clarity, not merely emotions
While it is important not to neglect how you feel during a conversation, you must ensure that you focus on passing your message as clearly as possible.
So, instead of ranting about your emotions, talk about your preferred outcome. Tell the other person how you feel, but prioritize telling them what you hope should happen after the conversation.
- Ask More Questions
We can sometimes be too focused on what we want out of a conversation (and relationship) that we totally forget what the other person may want as well.
So, in the course of your conversation, don’t forget to make less statements and ask more questions. In fact, I suggest you start the conversation with a question. This will help you ensure that you are not having the conversation because of an assumption.
You also want to ask more questions as you converse so that you can have a clear picture of the other person’s expected outcome. You don’t want to continue a conversation to resolve a conflict when the other person simply wants to end the relationship.
- Manage your tone and tempo
When you fail to manage your tone and tempo during a difficult conversation, your message can go completely unheard even when you’re clear about it.
So, make sure you stay aware of how you’re sounding throughout the conversation. When you notice you’re getting triggered, speak at a slower pace or ask for some time to pause and reflect on what you should say next.
- Use “I feel” instead of “you always”
When having a difficult conversation, it can be very easy to point fingers. But doing that will never produce a good outcome. It will only put the other person in a defensive state. And defensive people don’t have the capacity to understand the message you’re trying to convey.
So, instead of outrightly telling them what they did or what you demand from them, focus on communicating how the issue made you feel, or why you need the resolution (if you’re trying to set boundaries).
- Know when to pause instead of pushing through
When the conversation gets too heated that no point can get across anymore, consider postponing the meeting or politely asking the other person to take some time to cool off.
Remember that your outcome, not an emotional tussle, is your reason for wanting to have that difficult conversation.
Conclusion
Difficult conversations are an inevitable part of every healthy relationship. And the fact that you need to have more of them is an indication that you (and your relationships) are growing in authenticity.
However, you must ensure that in learning how to have difficult conversations, you also learn not to allow your emotions rule us.
I’d love to know how you’d implement any of these steps and the outcome they have in your relationships.