Have you been dealing with a nagging feeling that you need to build deep connections in your relationships, even when surrounded by so many friends?
You laugh, hang out, create content, and even go to church or work together. Still, you feel like you don’t know them as deeply as is possible.
If you’ve ever found yourself thinking, “Why don’t I feel close to anyone?” or “Why do my relationships feel shallow, even when I try?”, you’re not being dramatic. You’re craving something real.
You’re craving deep connection in your relationships – the kind of closeness that goes beyond surface-level chats and social niceties. What you’re craving is a space that allows you to be your most authentic self without any form of judgment or disrespect.
What you’re looking for is the kind of relationship that makes you feel safe, seen, valued, and emotionally nourished. The type that many people wish for but only a few know how to cultivate.
Here’s the truth: Deep connection isn’t built on proximity. Neither does it simply happen because people wish for it. Deep connections in relationships are built on vulnerability, emotional safety, and mutual investment. And many of us were never taught how to do those.
Maybe you grew up in an emotionally distant home. Or you got hurt and learned to guard your heart so tightly that no one gets in. Or perhaps you’ve never even had a clue what it feels like to have deep connections with other people.
It’s not too late. You can learn how to build deep, soul-nourishing connections starting today.
This blog will gently uncover why you may be struggling and walk you through intentional steps to create relationships that feel as complete and safe as you long for.
Let’s begin.
Why You Struggle to Build Deep Connections
- You fear vulnerability because you’ve been hurt before, so you subconsciously try to play safe. Or you don’t want to be too open, so you do not reveal the not-so-glamorous side of your life or story to people.
- You have unmet emotional needs, so your emotional quotient is seriously lacking. You don’t know how to give or receive love and emotional support.
- You’ve been influenced by the culture that normalizes shallow relationships. This may border around fast friendships, online validation, or hyper-productivity that leaves no room for depth.
- You have serious trust issues that make you believe that being close to people always ends in pain.
- You’ve never been intentional about building deep connections in your relationships. Instead, you’ve only glamorized the outcomes of this connection.
- You’ve been trying to connect with the wrong people.
What Deep Connection Actually Look Like
You clearly cannot learn how to build deep connections in relationships when you don’t know what a deep connection in a relationship looks or feels like.
So, here’s what deep, genuine connections look like:
Emotional Safety
Having a deep connection with someone means you have successfully converted your relationship into a safe space where the parties involved can be honest without shame.
You feel safe expressing your feelings, thoughts, and flaws without fear of being judged, mocked, or emotionally abandoned. You don’t have to be a ‘kind’ of person to be accepted.
Emotional safety also means they don’t disappear when things get complicated or awkward. And they won’t make you feel like a burden when you’re not okay.
Growth and Alignment
When you and the people you are in a relationship with are genuinely concerned by each other’s growth, that’s a deep relationship there.
Your conversations are usually around growth and progress rather than gossip or keeping up with unhealthy trends.
Best of all, each person gets used to supporting and expanding the other person’s physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual growth, even without being asked.
Mutual Vulnerability
In a deep, healthy connection, you share honestly about your lives. And it’s not one person doing all the emotional heavy lifting while the other hides behind silence or spiritual cliches.
Deep connection means you let people see you, and they let you see them, too.
Intentional Listening
In a deep relationship, they listen to you to understand you, not merely to respond. And so do you. There’s space for raw feelings, questions, and even silence.
Truth Over Performance
When you’re deeply connected with someone, you’re not trying to impress them. You’re not trying to keep them from leaving.
And you never feel like you need to act in a particular way or be a specific person to keep them. You simply show up as you are; they do the same, and you love each other that way.
Gentle Accountability
Well, can there be a healthy connection when accountability is not at play?
In a deep, healthy connection, you can have hard conversations without fear of abandonment or passive-aggression. You also have someone who calls you out when you persist in error.
And yes, such relationships will cheer you on and motivate you to get better every day.
Presence and Availability
Deep connections in relationships also look like being present in every way. It means you’re empathic and emotionally available without denying the other person your physical and material presence.
A relationship with deep connections is one where the parties involved make time to invest in the growth of the relationship.
Consistency
Deep doesn’t mean fast. It means someone consistently shows up as themselves, even when life isn’t exciting. A deep connection is built on trust that has weathered time, not just shared vibes and fleeting feelings.
Practical Ways to Start Building Deeper Connections in Your Relationships
Heal the wounds that make you self-protective
Why did you start to close up or deliberately avoid getting close to people? Did people hurt you in the past? Or did you have experiences that drained your capacity to share deep, healthy friendships with others? Or maybe you are dealing with a hidden bias that has kept you distancing yourself from long-term commitments.
Whatever your wound may be, the first step to building deep connections in your relationships is to deal with whatever keeps you from doing so.
- See a therapist, if you will.
- Pray about your heart and ask God to rid you of offenses that keep you from making the most of your relationships.
- Uncover hidden biases or stereotypes (even about yourself – telling you that people like you cannot have that connection you crave). Take this quiz to see if you have hidden biases and stereotypes.
- Release the judgments you may hold against people from certain groups, especially if you’re constantly surrounded by these people.
- Open your heart to love like God so you can extend grace to people who appear undeserving of it.
Start sharing your truth in small, safe doses
When you finally find that person (or those people) with whom you want to share a deep connection, don’t be in a hurry to share your entire life’s history with them.
Start with small doses of your life. This way, you can ascertain whether they are also interested in forming and sustaining a bond with you. You don’t want to share your deepest fears and secrets with people who don’t care about you.
Also, sharing in small, healthy doses ensures you do not overwhelm them and possibly push them away. Instead, they’ll feel safe enough to come forward with their own truth.
With time, you can decide how fast you want to go with digging deeper into each other.
And hey, don’t be afraid to start chipping in your values from the get-go. You want to be sure you’re aligned on the value level before things go any further.
Ask intentional questions and really listen
At the root of deep connections is the ability to know someone beyond the ‘how are you?’ conversations. So, if you really want to start building deep connections in your relationships, start by asking them intentional questions and be genuinely interested in their response.
Be curious about their lives – curious, not nosey. And let this curiosity lead you into discovering depths about them.
Stop pretending to be fine
You cannot get intimate with people when you only try to present your best self. You’ll only be pretending because, let’s face it, you are not always your best self.
So, to have a deep relationship with someone, relax and allow yourself to be you. If you’re not fine, don’t hold back. Let them know how you’re truly doing. Then, the extent to which you give details will depend on how far the relationship has come.
As a practical step to build deep connections in your relationships, I want you to start being deliberate about the answers you give people when they ask you how you’re doing.
Instead of simply blurting out, “Fine, thank you,” talk about how your day went, how angry you were when someone splashed dirty street water on you, or how the bus driver almost destroyed your favorite bag.
Invest time and attention
That deep, healthy relationship you admire online did not happen overnight. And in most cases, it did not happen without sacrifices.
So, if you genuinely want to build deep connections in your relationships, you must be present and show up consistently for the relationship.
You should also be willing to give grace to the other person and accommodate their excesses, especially if they do not go against your values. Be ready to have difficult conversations instead of holding grudges and instantly cutting them off.
God Wants You to Build Deep Connections
If you’ve ever seen people online flaunt their close relationships and felt like being deeply connected with someone other than your spouse is more carnal than spiritual, then hear this.
God created us for connection – first with Him and then with others. That’s why the first 5 parts of the 10 Commandments teach us how to relate with God, and the other 5 borders around our relationship with other people.
But that’s not all. Jesus, who is God made flesh, came and mirrored the importance of openness and vulnerability in relationships.
He was open and honest with the three – Peter, James, and John – so much that He took them to Gethsemane, where He cried and groaned, dreading what would befall Him.
Jesus was vulnerable enough to ask them to pray with Him, and you can bet they heard Him when He cried to God to take the cup of crucifixion away.
So, why not? God will be happy to step in and help you build deep connections in your relationships – with the right people, too.
Conclusion
You see? You’re not broken, and deep connections are not for a reserved few. You can enjoy intimate relationships starting today.
All you have to do is sort out why you’ve been unable to build healthy relationships and then take intentional steps toward building and sustaining one.
