Has your favorite person in the world suddenly become a stranger? Are your friendships constantly going stale? Or do you feel that the fire you share with someone special is gradually becoming apathetic?
Here are five possible reasons your relationships fail.
You Do Not Nurture Your Relationships
Friendships and relationships have life, so they can grow – and die. And relationship growth does not happen on its own. You need to feed your relationships to sustain and grow them.
This analogy may seem too ordinary, but if a woman gives birth and refuses to feed her child, what do you think would happen to that child?
Do you know that a lack of nurturing is one of the reasons many people give up on God? They go to Him only when they have a problem. He’ll solve their problem alright. But they forget the so-sweet intimacy they could share with the Creator of heaven and earth, and lose sight of Him in no time – until another problem arises.
I also believe this is also the cause of many marital failures. Most married people do not know that the fire in a marital relationship needs to be fueled, and sex isn’t the only way to keep that fire burning.
Unfortunately, most people in our over-informed generation would say, ‘we can go two years without calling each other, but when we call, we know we’re still friends.’ No communication, no expression of love, nothing. Except when you’re in need.
C’mon.
I honestly do not know what that statement means, but I know that every human needs affection. So if you call someone your friend, you should be able to make efforts to show that person that they mean something to you.
Call and text your friends often – your lover isn’t the only one entitled to this. Send them links to opportunities you feel would benefit them. Buy what they sell. Be a crusader for their cause. Share insights and growth platforms with them. And most times, you need to be committed to reaching out first.
Social media has even made it easier to reach out. You view your ‘friend’s’ status, make a comment. They’re celebrating something; post them on your timeline. Make deliberate efforts to sustain and grow your friendships.
You Do Not Know How to Reciprocate Love
Someone calls you several times every month to know how you’re faring, and you’ve never tried to even beep them for once? You can see their effort to express love to you, but you never think of reciprocating, even in the slightest way. Well, they’ll soon become weary.
Or are you constantly on the receiving end of love in your romantic relationship? Not so. All kinds of relationships survive on two-way love traffic.
You Assume Too Much
Well, this was me.
Scratch that. This is still me 50%.
Because I can’t have ‘no reason’ in my mind for people’s attitudes or negligence, I always have something to fix there (don’t we all overthink sometimes? 🤷🏻♀️).
‘They probably don’t care, so I don’t care too.’
‘If I mean anything to them, they should be able to call at least once in a while.’
‘Why will I always be the one to reach out first?’
The list continues.
But I’m slowly learning to change those assumptions to something more exonerative like, ‘maybe they’ve been going through a lot,’ and ‘maybe they do not have airtime.’
When my assumptions become too much, I simply drop my friends a message that sounds like, ‘why haven’t you called me in a while?’ to hear what they have to say. But I only do this for my very close friends; indeed, they always have a valid excuse for not reaching out.
Do you want to join me?
You Exaggerate Your Position In People’s Lives
Are you still there?
Let me tell you about a personal experience I’ve had.
During my NYSC* days, I became ‘friends’ with someone. She had this way of making people feel special, so I poured my heart and life into her. In all honesty, I had (and still have) never loved any female friend the way I loved her. Not until one night, when I overheard her conversing with people who were saying nasty things about me.
I had expected her to defend my reputation or something, but she supported them and even fueled all the bad (and untrue) things they said. She also never met me to hear my side of the story.
My dear, I literally felt my heart shatter into a million fragments that night. I thought I would die from that disappointment because for a few minutes after hearing that conversation, I was gasping for air. It took prayers and constant words of affirmations (from other friends – and for months) to heal from that hurt. In fact, I’m still trying to recover from the automated resentment I feel towards people with her name.
However, one question someone asked me when I was still hurting was this: “You agree she was your friend. But were you her friend?” That was when I realized that I never meant anything to her.
So, before you place yourself on a pedestal, find out what you mean to people you call your friends. Feel free to verbally ask them if you’re unsure of their actions – I do that now.
You Make Friends In the Flesh
Now, can I speak to your spirit?
Some people you call ‘friends’ are not meant to be your friends. You share nothing in common with them. Your values and theirs are 180 degrees apart. You don’t even agree on issues beyond when to start an argument. Yet you keep calling such people your friends. 🧐
For some others, they may not necessarily be bad (or wrong) people. They’re not just meant for the current season of your life. Trust me, you’ll need more effort (struggle, please) to sustain a friendship with such people.
Now here’s the deal.
We all have several friends, and each person needs our attention. When you give attention to the wrong people, you’d be eating into the effort you ought to give to people who are genuinely your friends. And those genuine friendships will suffer!
Plus, as a believer, it is not out of place to consult God before going into friendships, partnerships, and relationships. You’ll save yourself a lot of trouble and heartbreaks.
There!
You’ve been implicated!
Your friendships cannot remain the same again!!
Tell me in the comments what will you be doing differently from today?
*NYSC (National Youth Service Corps) is a compulsory one-year program undergone by Nigerian graduates as their contribution to national development.
