Affair-proof your marriage as a Christian? Aren’t Christian marriages automatically affair-proof? Aren’t affairs and cheating a thing with the people of the world alone?
Now, the fact that the above questions exist is one reason for this blog.
Christian marriages are as prone to affairs as any other marriage. The difference is that we have tools that can give us an advantage – but are only effective when we deploy them.
Adultery is never an accident. It is almost always a deliberate act or something a spouse or the marriage enables.
So, taking steps to affair-proof your marriage as a Christian should definitely not begin when you feel there is something wrong. It should be a proactive mindset (and a set of actions) you should have from the very first day of your marriage – or even before you say I do.
So, here’s how to affair-proof your marriage as a Christian:
Understand That Marriage Is a Covenant
Marriage is a covenant. Unfortunately, not every Christian understands this well enough. Some of us know, to an extent, the gravity of the vows we make during weddings. But not many Christians understand the gravity of a covenant – especially a covenant made with God.
When you read through the books of the Old Testament, you will understand how seriously God takes covenants. For example, He established a covenant with the children of Israel and gave them commandments as terms of that covenant. Of course, God would always keep His end of the bargain.
But in Numbers 15: 32-36, a man was found gathering sticks on the day of Sabbath, against God’s instruction (as per the covenant) that no work should be done on the Sabbath day. When Moses inquired of the Lord what the man’s punishment would be, God said that the man was to be stoned to death.
When you read that scripture as a New Covenant believer, you might think He isn’t the same God we serve today. But He is. God is the same yesterday, today, and forever.
Why, then, was punishment that fatal? It was to show how seriously God took the covenant He made with His people.
So, when you come before God and His people to enter into a covenant with your spouse with God as the Anchor, God takes it seriously. God takes seriously the fact that your spouse is the only person with whom you should share sexual (and some deep forms of emotional) intimacy.
And if you take God seriously, you will not joke with that covenant or play around with extra-marital affairs.
So, ensuring that you fortify your covenant-mindedness (and your spouse does the same) is a great way to begin to affair-proof your marriage as a Christian.
If you are still single, one of the criteria you should definitely look out for in a spouse is someone who sees marriage as a covenant and is ready to abide by the terms of that covenant.
By the way, if you want to know if you or your potential spouse are ready for marriage, you can take my comprehensive marriage readiness quiz here.
Strengthen Your Relationship with God
Cheating or adultery is, as scripture classifies it (like every other sin), a matter of nature rather than a mere act. And the only way to rid yourself of the nature of sin is to receive the life of Christ and cultivate a relationship with God.
God wants the marriage bed to be held in honor and undefiled. So adultery does not only break your spouse. It grieves God and shows you do not honor Him as God. When you have a solid relationship with God, you will fear Him and abstain from adultery and other things that break His heart.
Yes, we know that your sins are forgiven, and receiving the life of Christ is your only requirement to make heaven. But how do you feel being the one who goes back to the things for which Jesus hung on the cross for your sake?
So, to affair-proof your marriage, ensure that you and your spouse have active relationships with God and fellowship together as often as possible – in genuineness of heart.
And, of course, if you are still single, a solid relationship with God, not mere church attendance, is what you’d want to look out for in a potential spouse.
Practice 101% Honesty and Transparency
The truth is that most affairs thrive in secrecy. Spouses who are always transparent with each other about their dealings and conversations will have a hard time nursing an affair.
When you get into the habit of sharing everything with your spouse – from the bits of the happenings in your day to your emotional sentiments – it will take so much work to conceal the early warning signs of an impending affair.
Yes, this transparency ensures that you or your spouse can spot an impending affair before it begins and be vulnerable enough to tip off the person involved.
To be more practical,
- Have honest and frequent conversations about the happenings in your individual lives, even without being asked.
- Always share your insecurities and fears with your spouse as frequently as they come.
- Have access to each other’s devices. Forget what people on social media have to say about this. It’s your marriage, not theirs. If you must use a password for your device or ATM cards, ensure your spouse knows the password.
- Ensure that your spouse knows everybody in your life (especially those of the opposite sex). No surprise relationships. Let them know who everyone is to you and vice versa. Yes, if you talk about everything daily, this will not be tough.
- Do not leave any of your expectations unspoken. And stay away from assumptions.
- Be vulnerable enough to let your spouse know when you may be getting attracted to someone of the opposite.
Start Early to Set Clear Boundaries with the Opposite Sex
Now, this is where proactive action comes in full force. It is also the point where most good people get into affairs and fall into adultery. A lack of boundaries is the reason you may overlook an impending affair and remain clueless, naïve, and unaware until you’re in the arms of someone who isn’t your spouse.
The fact remains that, as humans, we are wired to always build emotional connections with other humans. The more time you spend with someone – even within professional or work settings – the more likely you will develop an emotional connection with them. And when there is an emotional connection with someone of the opposite sex, adultery is likely to happen at the slightest chance.
So, setting boundaries to prevent an affair has more to do with avoiding circumstances that may breed an unplanned emotional connection with someone of the opposite sex.
To set appropriate boundaries to affair-proof your marriage, it is safe to
- Treat every person of the opposite sex as a brother or sister in Christ. Why not? Christ died for them, too, you know.
- Ensure that your spouse knows everyone of the opposite sex you know and the essence of your relationship with them. Also, keep your spouse in the loop about your conversations or interactions in these relationships.
- NEVER share any kind of emotional intimacy with someone of the opposite sex who isn’t family. That kind of intimacy is reserved only for your spouse.
- NEVER share the happenings in your home with someone of the opposite sex, especially the not-so-good things your spouse does.
- Keep every conversation with the opposite sex strictly within the boundaries of their origin. So, if the conversation is about work, don’t go asking them what they wore or ate last night.
- If your spouse feels uncomfortable with your relationship with someone of the opposite sex, this is not the time to defend yourself. Withdraw from that relationship as much as possible.
- You HAVE NO BUSINESS meeting someone of the opposite sex in private.
- Avoid late-night chats or calls with someone of the opposite sex who isn’t family, except in very rare, life-threatening emergencies. You will thank me later.
- Stay away from your exes unless they eventually become best friends with your spouse.
- If work causes you to travel frequently with a colleague of the opposite sex, communicate frequently with your spouse and account for every movement.
Never Let the Flames Go Out In Your Marriage
As I said, we are all emotional and relational in nature. If and when you’re done setting up all the necessary boundaries with the opposite sex, and you fail to find fulfillment in your marriage, you still leave your marriage prone to an affair.
When your marriage does not fulfill your emotional, sexual, spiritual, or intellectual needs, you may subconsciously start to seek these outside your marriage.
So, to prevent an affair from happening, never let the flames go out in your marriage.
- Partner with your spouse to keep things alive and fun.
- Communicate your displeasure with your spouse and work with them to fix things.
- Support each other’s dreams, ambitions, and visions. This is an often overlooked path to emotional intimacy.
- Always check in with each other emotionally. Take your conversations beyond merely discussing your day to deep, soul-reaching communion.
- Be your spouse’s safe space and the first person they run to for support of any kind.
- Live beyond routines. Try new and exciting things together. Surprise each other every now and then.
- Focus on your spouse’s strengths and help them work through their weaknesses.
- Keep romance alive by enjoying date nights, Netflix-and-chills, and random walks whenever possible. Hold, hug, and kiss each other at every break you get!
- Find more profound ways to say I love you. Don’t forget to make your spouse blush every now and then.
- Make it your mission to always satisfy your spouse’s sexual needs and communicate yours as clearly as possible.
In a nutshell, never let that fire you had in the early days of your marriage go out, and you’ll be well on your way to a marriage free of affairs.
Cover Your Spouse and Marriage In Prayer
This might sound spooky, but the devil is never happy with any successful Christian marriage. Trust me, he has agents everywhere who are at his beck and call. These agents (who may sometimes be unaware of their deployment) can be used to wreck homes. So, an affair can actually be an attack of the enemy.
To prevent affairs from creeping into your marriage, always cover your spouse and their desires in prayers. And when you find that they are drawn to an illicit interaction, you want to pray them out of it and seek help before it escalates into an affair.
