You love the concept of love. You’re tired of being alone. Or you’re praying, journaling, and declaring that this is your year to get married. But have you ever stopped to ask yourself, “Am I ready for marriage, or do I just fancy the idea of being married?”
Let’s be honest. Marriage is not a reward for loneliness or merely a milestone you should cross because you are a certain age or status.
It is a daily, vulnerable, and sometimes inconvenient journey that requires emotional maturity, spiritual depth, and the ability to love someone consistently.
Unfortunately, too many people walk down the aisle totally unprepared for marriage. Most people get married carrying unresolved trauma, unrealistic expectations, deep-rooted insecurity, and emotional insecurity.
You want to know the truth?
No amount of wedding planning, premarital counseling, or viral couple videos can prepare you for marriage if you don’t put in the work early enough.
Well, you can start with this Marriage Readiness Quiz to know how ready you are.
But hey, this blog isn’t meant to discourage you. It’s here to save you, to open you up to reality before you get into a covenant you’re not prepared to honor. Because marriage doesn’t fix you. It reveals you and requires hard work from you.
So, here are signs that you are not ready for marriage.
You Don’t Know Your Identity or Your Purpose
Marriage is supposed to be a tool to help you fulfill your God-given purpose. If you do not know that purpose, it is a big sign that you are not ready for marriage.
And it’s even worse if you intend to have children. If you are clueless about where you’re headed in life, how do you intend to raise children?
If you also do not know who you are, you may not be able to survive in marriage. Because in marriage, you need to give yourself whole to someone else. If you don’t know your identity, you’ll be giving your spouse emptiness.
Worse still, you might be waiting for your spouse or the marriage to define you. And that cannot help you build a healthy marital relationship.
You know why?
It’s not your partner’s job to define you. They did not create you, so they can’t define you. They can only support you on the journey to self-discovery.
In addition to understanding your purpose and identity, you must also be clear about your values and visions. They will make you better able to align your life with your partner’s without losing yourself.
You Think Marriage Will Heal Your Loneliness
Well, if you want to get married simply because you’ve been lonely for too long, then it may just be a glaring sign that you’re not ready for marriage. Marriage does not take away your loneliness. It only amplifies it.
If you do not feel fulfilled and whole as a single person, I promise you that it will worsen when you get married.
When you’re yet to deal with trauma, childhood wounds, or dysfunctions that make you lonely and unfulfilled, saying ‘I do’ doesn’t change any of that.
If you still battle with the desperation to be seen or validated, or you fantasize about the idea of being swept off your feet by someone choosing you, being married will not deal with the root problem.
You need to take time to heal from those wounds, be comfortable being by yourself, and learn how to find true fulfillment. Only then will marriage take away physical loneliness.
You Don’t Have a Relationship with God
If you’re Christian, then you should already know that marriage is one decision you should never make without God. You’ll need Him in marriage.
But how do you decide who you marry with God when you do not have a consistent, working relationship with Him?
- First, marriage is a covenant (instituted by God) between two people, with God as the third cord. Who else would better know how to do marriage than the One who created it in the first place?
- Secondly, the journey of marriage is not necessarily a walk in the park. Some days, it rains, and other days, it’s sunny. When the days get gloomy, you’ll need an anchor beyond you and your spouse to keep going.
So, if you do not have a living, breathing relationship with God, it is one of the major signs that you’re not ready for marriage.
You Don’t Know How to Handle Conflict
Many singles go into marriage fantasizing only about the good, rosy scenes in marriage. What most people never factor in is conflict.
I bet no single person has ever given thought to the moment they’ll have a misunderstanding with their spouse.
But the truth is that conflict is an inevitable part of every relationship – including marriage. What you do with conflict is what determines the health of your relationship.
So, if you do not know how to handle conflict, then it is one of those subtle signs that you are not ready for marriage.
- If you completely avoid conflict by dismissing tough conversations for “peace” to reign, then you’re only brewing disaster. You’ll either end up as a mirror of your spouse, or you’ll destroy everything when you eventually explode from all the hurt and disagreements you’ll store up.
- If you always explode or throw tantrums whenever conflicts arise, it’s definitely one of the signs that you are not ready for marriage. You’ll not be able to make room for deep, vulnerable conversations that deepen intimacy in marriage. You’ll also deprive you and your spouse of the opportunity to learn about each other because conflict is one of the most effective ways to learn a whole lot about your spouse.
You Are Not Ready to Share Your Life with Someone Else
If you’re so in love with your personal space that you cannot give it up for anyone, even in the slightest ways, then you are not ready for marriage.
When I say ‘share your life with someone else,’ I’m siding with the scriptures here – becoming one flesh with someone else.
Getting physically intimate is usually not a problem for most people. But truly becoming one with someone is more about partnership, not just companionship. It involves deeply intertwining your life with another person.
And hey, marriage is a covenant that requires work to be sustained by the people who enter it. You must be ready to do the work marriage requires – including sharing your life with your spouse.
I’m not just talking about making time for your spouse. I’m talking about making them a priority when it comes to your time, space, decisions, and growth. If this idea sounds gross to you, you are likely not ready to build the mutual trust, vulnerability, and sacrifice that marriage requires.
It doesn’t end here. You must also be ready to commit to your spouse’s growth. If all you dream about when it comes to marriage is how well and romantically your spouse will treat you, then maybe you should wait out marriage for a while.
Because in marriage, selflessness is key. Your main focus will be on giving and serving your spouse.
You Don’t Forgive Easily
In marriage, you’re going to literally practice what Jesus said about forgiving seventy times seventy times.
You and your spouse are not perfect people, and there will be mistakes – and hurt.
If you fail to forgive your spouse as often as necessary, especially for the small, non-catastrophic wrongs, that unforgiveness may spiral into resentment.
Trust me, you cannot truly love and serve someone you resent.
You Are Not Teachable
If you’re always standing firm on your beliefs and ways of doing things, then it is one of those big signs that you are not ready for marriage.
You know why?
You and your spouse come into your marriage relationship with different expectations, beliefs, cultural and family backgrounds.
So, marriage is a space where you learn and unlearn. You learn about your partner and how best to love and serve them. Then, you unlearn some of your old ways of doing things that are not aligned with the purpose and peace of your marriage.
The keyword is compromise. You must be able to let go of some things (definitely not things tied to your core values, please) to accommodate those of your spouse.
And hey, you must also be humble enough to admit to your faults, accept feedback, and make necessary adjustments without trying to defend everything you do.
You Hold a Negative Stereotype About the Opposite Sex
“All men cheat.” “Women are manipulative.”
When you get married with a negative stereotype about the opposite sex, you are already destroying your marriage even before it begins.
Marriage requires seeing your partner as a unique individual, not as a part of a flawed category. Stereotypes cause you to approach your partner with assumptions. These assumptions go on to create emotional distance that makes it difficult to trust or communicate with your partner.
To be ready for marriage, you must be willing to unlearn biases, heal from past experiences, and approach your partner with curiosity and grace.
Conclusion
If any (or many) of these signs resonate deeply with you, then you are likely only idolizing or romanticizing the idea of marriage rather than the reality of the hard work it requires.
But that doesn’t mean you are broken or a bad person. It only means you need to put marriage on the back burner for now and work towards healing and allowing the best version of yourself to emerge, ready to build with the right person when the time is right.
Take this Marriage Readiness Quiz to know where you need to start putting in the work to be ready for marriage.
